Friday August 31
Lists
I am a woman of lists. As a matter of fact, I have so many lists, that I need to start a list of my lists. I have a to do list, a list of school supplies still needed, a list of textbooks to buy, just to name a few. Some of my lists even have sublists: under the bill list, I also have a paid bills list, a list of bills to pay, and a list of bills not to pay – yet. I have three grocery lists: one for Costco, one for WalMart (in the event I don’t actually need 50 glue sticks or an entire side of beef), and one for just groceries that I can’t get for less money anyplace else.
I have found too, that the number of lists that I have is cyclical. The beginning of the school year is a busy list time for school supplies, books and clothes (and, why do children feel that they need “back to school” clothes – I’d really LOVE to thank the genius that started that trend). I love when the teachers give me their lists so I can add them to my collection. I can collate them, I can alphabetize them, I can even prioritize them – it is really fun. Christmas is also a very busy list time. Toys that are wanted by the children, toys that I can actually afford, toys that I have purchased throughout the year that are no longer cool, and the master gift list of who will get what, and what will be re-gifted. Summer vacation is a real list fiesta for me. I need lists of meals to prepare for two weeks, meals that have been made and frozen, lists of things not to forget to bring (like the dogs – oops – that’s another story), lists of things to buy before we leave, and lists of groceries to buy when we get there (actually two lists: one for WalMart and one for groceries – they don’t have A Costco, so that’s one less list).
We all have lists don’t we? Everyone needs a grocery list, or we would end up with a cart full of twinkies, donuts and ice cream. Even Santa has a list. Probably the biggest list of them all. Santa lives for a list doesn’t he? I think that the person who invented Excel was a list liker. I am teaching my children about lists. I love passing on my wisdom.
So, when someone messes with one of my lists, I am not a very happy camper. The people at Giant Food are messing with my grocery list (nice segway, huh?). I swear, there is some sick puppy at Giant headquarters who is just laughing his (yes, I am absolutely positive that it is a man) a$$ off about every two weeks when he sends out a memo telling all of the stores to rearrange their shelves – again. I cannot wait until Harris Teeter opens next month. A giant employee actually told me that, “they [Giant] might as well shut their doors.” I am assuming she is going for a position in the public relations dept (of either store, you pick).
Back to my grocery list. I am very organized (OK, borderline psychotic) when it comes to making my grocery list for the “big” shop. Every mom knows that, after you shop at a store long enough, you memorize where everything is. So, I make my list in order of appearance in the store. My goal is to get my groceries as quickly as possible before my children start poking each other, making balloons out of the bags in the produce section, using 50 twist ties from aforementioned section to make stick people, or a mini novel from coupons collected from those annoying machines (I honestly consider them free entertainment for my children – I mean, who can resist a machine that keeps spitting out stuff at you).
So, I was beyond frustrated when I found that everything had been moved for about the fifth time in three months. I had one last item that I could not find anywhere: I had already checked the items past three previous locations to no avail. Then, I spotted the store manager (I am very sure he is really happy to have his picture posted prominently so frustrated housewives can hunt him down), and asked, “um, do you know where I can find those “bag n season” things?” “Oh, we’re moving some things around [no, duh, I missed all of the empty shelves and overflowing carts blocking every other aisle], and I think that their still in the back.” I had to ask it, “Why do you guys keep moving everything around in here? It’s really frustrating.” I don’t even remember the response. I just replied, “but my list…”
I have added Giant to my final list, my $#!t list.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Hummingbird Incident of 2007
Yesterday, I held a hummingbird in my hand.
Just before I started making dinner, my son ran inside to tell me that a hummingbird was stuck in the garage. Of course, everyone immediately rushed to have a look-see. The poor thing was completely freaked out: continually flying into the ceiling looking for an escape.
Things that do not work when trying to remove a hummingbird from a garage:
- Hanging hummingbird feeders all over the place hoping to get the poor creature to come to a lower level, and “go towards the light” of the open garage doors.
- Arranging a few skimboards, white side up, on the garage floor, and shining every flashlight that you can find in the house on them (note to self: get D batteries) in an attempt to attract the hummingbird to the outdoors.
- Moving both cars outside, and turning on the headlights – again, trying to attract it to the light. Remember to turn off the light unless you want a dead battery (another note to self: get jumper cables).
Things that you should not allow your husband or children to attempt in the removal:
- Screaming and making noise “to scare it out.” As if it wasn’t scared enough, and I have no clue as to how to administer CPR to a hummingbird.
- Using a tennis racket, rake, broom, or any other long handled object to “shoo” it out. Can you say “therapy” for the children when they kill the poor thing?
- Letting the dogs out to bark at it. Again, I don’t see much benefit from scaring it to death.
What does work:
- Patience and balance.
I figured (really, hoped) that at some point, the mini-dynamo would just tire itself out. Sure enough, after about 15 minutes, it landed on a beam holding up the garage door. Of course, not a nice, easy low beam, but almost to the top of a 15 foot ceiling. I carried our ladder (we have one of those jobs that can be shaped into an upside down V) over to the beam, and the bird didn’t move an inch. Then, I carefully climbed the ladder (no easy task in flip-flops) thinking the entire time that I did not have time to break any bones, and trying to convince myself that I could draw on all of that gymnastics from high school – not likely. When I reached the top (the last rung – whew), the little bird was clearly panting. I was shocked when it didn’t move as I oh so carefully picked it up, and cradled it as I struggled down the ladder. Meanwhile, my entire family has disappeared to get cameras, cell phones, video cameras – anything to “capture the moment.” Hey, what ever happened to “spotting” – hello, mommy is 15 feet up on a ladder.
So, it just stayed in my hand as everyone was madly snapping away. I was sure that, despite my efforts, it was too late. So, I carried it to one of the humming bird feeders on the porch, ignoring the pleas of, “can I hold it, can I hold it, please, please, please.” I wasn’t being mean, but was afraid that if it died, the kids might feel responsible. It didn’t take a drink, but shot off like the little rocket it is, and flew to a tree. We all stayed perfectly still trying to keep our eyes on it (me without my glasses, of course). Sure enough, it flew back to another feeder, had a few drinks, and flew away. Happy ending for a wonderful experience.
Just before I started making dinner, my son ran inside to tell me that a hummingbird was stuck in the garage. Of course, everyone immediately rushed to have a look-see. The poor thing was completely freaked out: continually flying into the ceiling looking for an escape.
Things that do not work when trying to remove a hummingbird from a garage:
- Hanging hummingbird feeders all over the place hoping to get the poor creature to come to a lower level, and “go towards the light” of the open garage doors.
- Arranging a few skimboards, white side up, on the garage floor, and shining every flashlight that you can find in the house on them (note to self: get D batteries) in an attempt to attract the hummingbird to the outdoors.
- Moving both cars outside, and turning on the headlights – again, trying to attract it to the light. Remember to turn off the light unless you want a dead battery (another note to self: get jumper cables).
Things that you should not allow your husband or children to attempt in the removal:
- Screaming and making noise “to scare it out.” As if it wasn’t scared enough, and I have no clue as to how to administer CPR to a hummingbird.
- Using a tennis racket, rake, broom, or any other long handled object to “shoo” it out. Can you say “therapy” for the children when they kill the poor thing?
- Letting the dogs out to bark at it. Again, I don’t see much benefit from scaring it to death.
What does work:
- Patience and balance.
I figured (really, hoped) that at some point, the mini-dynamo would just tire itself out. Sure enough, after about 15 minutes, it landed on a beam holding up the garage door. Of course, not a nice, easy low beam, but almost to the top of a 15 foot ceiling. I carried our ladder (we have one of those jobs that can be shaped into an upside down V) over to the beam, and the bird didn’t move an inch. Then, I carefully climbed the ladder (no easy task in flip-flops) thinking the entire time that I did not have time to break any bones, and trying to convince myself that I could draw on all of that gymnastics from high school – not likely. When I reached the top (the last rung – whew), the little bird was clearly panting. I was shocked when it didn’t move as I oh so carefully picked it up, and cradled it as I struggled down the ladder. Meanwhile, my entire family has disappeared to get cameras, cell phones, video cameras – anything to “capture the moment.” Hey, what ever happened to “spotting” – hello, mommy is 15 feet up on a ladder.
So, it just stayed in my hand as everyone was madly snapping away. I was sure that, despite my efforts, it was too late. So, I carried it to one of the humming bird feeders on the porch, ignoring the pleas of, “can I hold it, can I hold it, please, please, please.” I wasn’t being mean, but was afraid that if it died, the kids might feel responsible. It didn’t take a drink, but shot off like the little rocket it is, and flew to a tree. We all stayed perfectly still trying to keep our eyes on it (me without my glasses, of course). Sure enough, it flew back to another feeder, had a few drinks, and flew away. Happy ending for a wonderful experience.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
TeenAge Girls and Make-up
So, as I am dropping dd off at school this morning (yes, I drive her because we actually get to sleep 30 minutes longer ~ and that still means getting up at 5:45 am ~ scary, huh). Anyway, I see four of her classmates walking the walk, you know the “we are the popular girls” 14 year old girl strut, unless, of course, there are try-outs for a high school theater production of “Mean Girls” today, and I missed the memo. I swear, I have seen less make-up on circus clowns. Did I miss that Tammy Faye Baker was giving make-up lessons at our local Peebles? One girl had on so much eye liner, that it made her look cross-eyed – trust me, she doesn’t have the bone structure for a beady eyed thug. Another had on bright red blush so dark I thought she must have radiation poisoning; not a good look for a redhead.
Um, where was mommy when you got dressed this morning? I do recall the girls, from when I was in school, who would leave the house looking like Sandra Dee, and come out of the bathroom looking like, oh, I don’t know, a sluttier version of Paris Hilton (if that is even possible), but I don’t recall any girls who actually were allowed to leave the house looking that way.
I mean, if you’re going to allow a 14 year old to wear make-up, and I really don’t have anything against it ~ in moderation, please take the time to teach the poor girl how to wear it properly. Hello, have you ever heard of less is more? Just a hint: most department stores will give you makeovers for FREE. Then, you can buy the cheap stuff at the grocery store.
Perhaps they are the “popular girls” today, but methinks the “easy girls” of tomorrow. And, I won’t even start on the outfits….
I remembered that I had these pics of Kels, and just wanted to prove that I know, and have taught my daughter how to properly apply make-up - at an early age.
Um, where was mommy when you got dressed this morning? I do recall the girls, from when I was in school, who would leave the house looking like Sandra Dee, and come out of the bathroom looking like, oh, I don’t know, a sluttier version of Paris Hilton (if that is even possible), but I don’t recall any girls who actually were allowed to leave the house looking that way.
I mean, if you’re going to allow a 14 year old to wear make-up, and I really don’t have anything against it ~ in moderation, please take the time to teach the poor girl how to wear it properly. Hello, have you ever heard of less is more? Just a hint: most department stores will give you makeovers for FREE. Then, you can buy the cheap stuff at the grocery store.
Perhaps they are the “popular girls” today, but methinks the “easy girls” of tomorrow. And, I won’t even start on the outfits….
I remembered that I had these pics of Kels, and just wanted to prove that I know, and have taught my daughter how to properly apply make-up - at an early age.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Buttons and Socks
Started in on laundrey only to discover that my miniature poodle had, once again, chewed the buttons off of two pair of my shorts. Admittedly, he is the type of poodle that gives poodles a bad name ~ completely hyper and needier than a grown man with a cold. I could live with the button chewing, but am at a loss as to where they are going. I mean we never find them. I can only assume that they have teamed up with the single socks that go missing from the dryer, and are starting a sock puppet family.
High School - Day Deux
Well, we went from, "That was the worst day of my life EVER," to talking about who she had lunch with, what friends she was reconnecting with, and so on. Breathing a sigh of relief here ~ I guess I won't need that Valium prescription after all.
A word about homework. Well, so far, I've gotta tell you that I gave more "home"work when homeschooling than her teachers do so far. I mean we jump right in from day one. No homework in: history, science or art. For Geometry, well, as far as I can tell, she is basically making faux spirograph art with a compass. This is day two with the same assignment. Only today, she tells me that she needs to use her colored pencils to color in all of the little squares. Huh? Please, someone needs to explain to me why a high school student is even using colored pencils! ok, ok I KNOW that it is about using the tool and the angles involved, but it just strikes me as funny. I really am glad that they are easing her into it.
Oh, and she *loved* the sandwich.
Apparently, I need to go buy an electric pencil sharpener. Maybe a spirograph too.
A word about homework. Well, so far, I've gotta tell you that I gave more "home"work when homeschooling than her teachers do so far. I mean we jump right in from day one. No homework in: history, science or art. For Geometry, well, as far as I can tell, she is basically making faux spirograph art with a compass. This is day two with the same assignment. Only today, she tells me that she needs to use her colored pencils to color in all of the little squares. Huh? Please, someone needs to explain to me why a high school student is even using colored pencils! ok, ok I KNOW that it is about using the tool and the angles involved, but it just strikes me as funny. I really am glad that they are easing her into it.
Oh, and she *loved* the sandwich.
Apparently, I need to go buy an electric pencil sharpener. Maybe a spirograph too.
The First Day of School
I hate getting at 5:45 am. But, more than that, I hate getting my dd up at 5:45 am. This morning, I made the grievous error of entering her room at 5:32 am.
“Morning honey. Time to wake up”
Glare, “It’s 5-3-2, get OUT of my room.”
Charming. Well, let’s see what you get in your lunch today shall we?
Step One: Make peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread (you know the kind of bread that, when you were a kid, you could peel off the crust, and squish it into the size of a peanut – yes, THAT bread). Now, on a level of 1 to 10 for favorites, this particular sandwich comes somewhere below the level of lima bean and spinach on whole grain bread.
Step Two: Place sandwich at the bottom of lunch bag.
Step Three: Take large apple, and drop it from no less than three feet above the aforementioned sandwich, and “bombs away.”
So, it would seem that a peanut butter and jelly crater is on the menu.
I am not a perfect mother.
There is something unnatural about having to wake up a child at that hour. As if starting high school (from being homeschooled in middle school) isn’t enough, I have to deal with sleep deprivation as well. I can only assume it gets better – um, NOT!
My ds and I had a bet as to what her first words would be after her first day back to public school. His bet was, "I want to be homeschooled." My bet was, "I HATE public school." We were both wrong, "That was the worst day of my life EVER!" Apparently, my dd is much more gifted in conversation that I.
P.S. Sorry folks that I had to start all over again. Apparently, it was lunch time for the internet Gremlins, and my old blog was the main course. So, here I am on a new space with the same old stuff. Care, Megan
“Morning honey. Time to wake up”
Glare, “It’s 5-3-2, get OUT of my room.”
Charming. Well, let’s see what you get in your lunch today shall we?
Step One: Make peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread (you know the kind of bread that, when you were a kid, you could peel off the crust, and squish it into the size of a peanut – yes, THAT bread). Now, on a level of 1 to 10 for favorites, this particular sandwich comes somewhere below the level of lima bean and spinach on whole grain bread.
Step Two: Place sandwich at the bottom of lunch bag.
Step Three: Take large apple, and drop it from no less than three feet above the aforementioned sandwich, and “bombs away.”
So, it would seem that a peanut butter and jelly crater is on the menu.
I am not a perfect mother.
There is something unnatural about having to wake up a child at that hour. As if starting high school (from being homeschooled in middle school) isn’t enough, I have to deal with sleep deprivation as well. I can only assume it gets better – um, NOT!
My ds and I had a bet as to what her first words would be after her first day back to public school. His bet was, "I want to be homeschooled." My bet was, "I HATE public school." We were both wrong, "That was the worst day of my life EVER!" Apparently, my dd is much more gifted in conversation that I.
P.S. Sorry folks that I had to start all over again. Apparently, it was lunch time for the internet Gremlins, and my old blog was the main course. So, here I am on a new space with the same old stuff. Care, Megan
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